Recently, it was suggested that I was engaging in idolatry by posting a specific meme on a page that I administer. I was surprised by the suggestion, as the though had never occurred to me. When comments such as this one are made, I see it as an opportunity to re-examine my own thoughts, to learn, and to grow. After spending time thinking through my own thoughts and beliefs, talking to others whose opinions I respect, reading scripture, and spending time in prayer, I am ready to share the experience. First, it would probably help to share the image that started it all.
The person who was commenting felt that the image here consisted of idolatry, and wrote "Second Command do not worship or make any graven image". As I said, I was surprised by the comment, as I would never have considered this idolatry. However, I've also shared in the past that I have no formal training and have much to learn myself.
I
spent some time in prayerful meditation considering this. What makes
this idolatry? Is it the figure of Jesus, as represented in crucifixes?
If so, does this also mean that statuary with images of Christ, Mary,
Joseph and the saints would constitute idolatry? I wondered what my
Catholic family and friends would have to say about this? How would one even define idolatry?
From the Merriam-Webster dictionary:
Definition of idolatry
pluralidol·a·tries
the worship of a physical object as a god
Merriam-Webster doesn't say that this only relates to items with an actual figure of a person. So, with that definition leading me, I began to wonder where the actual line in the sand is. Couldn't one argue that a cross, a fish symbol, or even a candle could be considered idolatry? Oh my, this could be a never ending list. This is how my mind works, if some images are idolatry and others are not I want to understand the distinction.
Now I knew what my thoughts were, it was time to discuss this with others. I spoke to several of my Catholic friends, family and colleagues, and to be fair I also discussed it with several Protestant friends, family and colleagues.
Without exception, and without any convincing on my part, they all shared the same opinion.
The image shared in the meme is only idolatry if one actually worships the image, views the image itself as a god. Our world is full of symbols with meaning, this is one of them. None of the people I know worship this symbol, none pray to the crucifix. It is a reminder, a symbol. The crucifix in some churches, the elaborate crosses in others, or the plain wooden crosses in still other churches, all serve as reminders that God so loved the world that He came down in the form of Jesus, His only son. He lived as man, faced and conquered temptation, died on the cross to pay the price for our sins. Well, you know the rest of the story. It is the story of our salvation.
The symbols used by many churches were, and are, often teaching tools. In the early years of the church many people could not read. Hymns, and cantors, were a means of telling the story of Jesus. It was easier to learn the gospel by singing it in familiar hymns, and by repetition. In a similar manner, paintings, carvings, statues helped people to learn and remember the gospels. Even today, when many of us can, and do, read the bible, how can one look at a statue of the crucifixion and not feel deeply moved. How can one look at a statue of Mary cradling the broken body of her son, Jesus, and not feel a surge of compassion for the great sacrifice she also made?
Idolatry does still exist in the world, and it is a sin. It exists in the worship of celebrities, in the worship of money, and in many other areas of our lives. It could also be in religious symbols, for those who don't understand that it is not the symbol itself that is worthy of worship. I pray those cases are rare, and that those people find charitable Christians ready to teach them.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Reflections on Conversations Past
1st in a series of posts.
Have you "found Jesus"?
Have you ever heard anyone say "I've found Jesus"? Have you ever said it yourself? Many people, when they return to the church, or to spiritual life say it. Even people who had never lead a religious life, and then had a conversion experience say it. I've said it myself.
Recently, after a move, I've been hearing this statement a lot. It has caused me to reflect on a conversation I had with a friend several years ago. He was talking about a family member who had grown up going to church, and was raised in a family of faith. In young adulthood this family member had left the church, and more importantly had ignored his relationship with God.
Let's face it, this isn't an uncommon story. Our society is full of temptations and distractions. We place a high value on being popular, on living the good life as depicted by our entertainment industry, our commercialism, our merchandising. Being popular, according to magazine and t.v. ads, movies and television shows, awards shows and music industry seems to require that we wear designer clothes, buy fancy cars, seek a materialistic lifestyle, and attend all the right parties. There are even some instances where drinking and doing drugs is made to seem glamorous. We are human, we all want to be liked, to be loved, it is not so hard to understand the temptation. This, of course, is an oversimplification of societal issues, and their impact on our spiritual and moral compass. I don't propose to solve the great questions of our society, only to express some of my own thoughts and views.
Anyway, back to this family member. For ease of storytelling, I want to give him a name (certainly not his own), so I will call him Jacob. So Jacob, later in life, started to realize that he was not a happy man. All of his pursuit of "fun", all of his possessions, and he was not happy. As he began to reevaluate his life, he came to realize that what he was missing, what he really needed, was God. He returned to church, he began opening his heart to God. He repented, on bended knee. Jacob sought to restore his relationship with God, he started actively learning what it meant to be a follower of Jesus Christ. Jacob started changing his life. Of course, we know it was God who was changing Jacobs life, but God gave each of us the gift of free will and Jacob had to be willing to make the changes.
Today, Jacob is a different man. Through the help of Jesus, Jacob has restored broken relationships with people he loves. He is meeting new people who share his love for Christ. He is living a life of faith. He is continuing to work on becoming a good and faithful servant. Jacob told my friend that his life has completely changed since he "found Jesus".
I am so happy that Jacob "found Jesus", I am happy whenever anyone "finds Jesus". Jesus will continue to change our lives, He will be with us every moment of every day, He is our salvation.
John 14:6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
Every time I recall this conversation, I remember something else my friend said. He smiled with genuine joy that Jacob had "found Jesus" but he was also smiling with amusement. After telling me Jacob's story, my friend told me why he was so amused. He said, "I'm glad he found Jesus, but I didn't know Jesus was lost."
I had never thought of it that way, but he was right. Jesus is not, nor has He ever been, lost. We are the lost ones when we stray away. He is always there, patiently and lovingly waiting for us to return. He is calling to us, can you hear Him? Sure, it may not be a call like we hear from each other, but He is calling out to us when we stray. I will never again say "I found Jesus". Rather, I will say "I was lost and Jesus found me, He called me back from the dark."
Matthew 18:12 "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
If You Are Going To Pray,
Be Prepared For HIS Answer!!
Let us not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless when facing them. Rabindranath Tagore
The Importance Of Prayer
Prayer is essential to Christian life. We pray for strength, for help, for forgiveness, we are quick to turn to God in times of trouble. Sometimes our prayers are to complain and ask to be delivered from our troubles, sometimes they are self-centered as we pray for gains. We pray to give thanks, to seek guidance, to ask what path we are to take. Hopefully, in prayer we reaffirm our dedication to God, our total and complete willingness to follow Jesus, our desire to serve.
Then we come to the really hard part.......We Must Listen............we must wait patiently, wait for God to answer in His time. AND we must also understand that His answer may not be the answer we were hoping for, we were counting on, we were so sure we would get.
WARNING:
The problem with prayer, with declaring that you will follow wherever He leads you, is that He may lead you in a direction in which you do not immediately wish to go. Then what? You have a dilemma. Do you use your free will to go in the direction you wish to go, even though you are certain He is leading you elsewhere? Do you wait an inordinate amount of time debating which you will do, paralyzed by indecision, until both the path to the opportunity He was leading you to and the one you preferred are closed, and now you are left with neither? OR do you take a deep breath, offer up a prayer saying "Heavenly Father, I hear You. You know that in my heart this is not the path I wanted, You know my fears and anxiety, but I trust in You. Thank you for the blessings You continue to bestow on me. I know that You have a purpose for sending me down this path and I will follow wherever You lead.
My Own Prayers For Guidance, and God's Answers
Over the course of the past two and a half years my career has involved moving quite often. Make no mistake, I did pick this career path. Truthfully, I picked with very little prayer at all. I was eager to make some changes in my life, and this career choice definitely involved change.....lot's of change, and often.
My first assignment was at St. Peter's Hospital in Albany, NY. At that time I did not pray so often, and I selected this job on my own. It was far enough from home to be a fresh start in life, but close enough for an easy drive home to visit on days off if I wanted. I loved St. Peter's. I loved the place, loved my co-workers, it was an awesome experience and I stayed there a year. If St. Peter's had not been such a good experience, my career as a travel nurse may have ended right then and there. There are staff and patients there who made a lasting impact on
my life. I miss my friends at St. Peter's Hospital, and would
gladly work with them again.
In this position, I am faced with a possible move every three to six months. I do have some choices to make each time, I do have some say over where I will, or will not, go. With each impending move I start to pray, A LOT. I seek guidance from Him, and I try very hard to listen attentively. As I pray, I tell Him that I want to serve, that I want to go where He leads me, and I also pray about what I think I need from the upcoming job. In the late summer of 2013 I was praying for His guidance, I would go wherever He sent me. After a misstep, when I thought the right job had come along and then it feel through, I asked that He make it crystal clear what He wanted me to do. I did have needs, besides a need to serve, I needed a job that would pay enough to prevent me from going further into debt. I asked for one that would allow me to start to catch up from some time I had had to take off. Along came Calvary Hospital, in the Bronx, with a job offer. I had not interviewed with Calvary, and they were offering a rate above my stated minimum. Calvary Hospital is a very special place. The hospital provides palliative care to cancer patients, a whole hospital dedicated to giving excellent care to end of life cancer patients. Offering patients and their families comfort, compassion, dignity, and excellent nursing and medical care. I did not want to go there. I had never cared for cancer patients, not beyond the occasional cancer patient on a medical/surgical floor that is. I had never worked in palliative care either. AND my mother had been diagnosed with stage III inoperable lung cancer. I really did not want to go, but I did. In the spring of 2014, as I was preparing to leave Calvary Hospital, I prayed for a job closer to home. I sensed that moms health was going to get worse, and quickly. I wanted to be close to home, I wanted to spend more time with mom. My only prayers were: Please God, get me closer to home. Get me as close to home as possible. The rest of my prayers during that time were focused on comfort and peace for mom, strength for mom and family and friends as we faced whatever was to come together. Along came Glens Falls Hospital, in Glens Falls NY. In the time I had been working for my agency, they had never had a med/surg job posted for Glens Falls Hospital. It was a 45 minute drive from my moms home. There was no way I was going to get a job any closer to home. It was clearly a blessing from God, an answered prayer!! I did not want to go. It was a day shift position, I had not worked day shift in a long time. What if I couldn't keep up with the pace? It was also float pool, I didn't want to do float pool. Never knowing what floor you were going to be on, what if I wasn't up to the challenge? I really did not want to go, but I did. Towards the end of my assignment at Glens Falls I started praying again. I want to go where you send me God. I want to serve. But I also am further in debt again and would like to catch up. My health is feeling the impact of little or no sleep, stress and worry. I need to get back on track so I can be there for my patients and my family. I feel so weak and drained right now, please help me. Please guide me. Along came Mayo Clinic Health System - Franciscan Healthcare in La Crosse, WI. It's not anywhere I had ever considered going. My agency contacted me, knowing I needed more pay, and asked if I would be interested in going to Wisconsin. It seemed that I would be able to get my license quickly and the job paid much better than any of the others that were currently posted that I was qualified for. I am smart in some areas, geography is not one of them, I had to look at a map to see where Wisconsin was. It was God directing me again. I did not want to go. Mom had died just over a month prior. I did not want to leave family and friends so soon after. I did not want to go somewhere so far, knowing I would not be able to come home for a visit, but I did.
How Gracefully Did I REALLY Follow When HE Lead Me Where I Did Not Want To Go??
I see no point in being anything but honest. That I went kicking and screaming is what comes to mind. Clearly, He was not physically dragging me, and I was not physically kicking and screaming.....but I was complaining......lots!! The entire time I was preparing to go to NYC, for my assignment at Calvary Hospital, I complained. I admitted I felt I was being called there. I admitted that it was actually the only option I had at the time, but I told my entire family that I didn't want to go............repeatedly! I told them I didn't want to work somewhere where they did palliative care oncology. I hadn't done either before, maybe I wouldn't be any good at it. Plus, I felt it would be too hard emotionally considering moms diagnosis. As soon as I met the staff, and saw the interactions between the staff and the patients, I started to think this is a wonderful place and I am blessed to be here. I became excited to learn the routines and protocols for the hospital, I was eager to do a good job, to provide the best care I possibly could for each and every one of my patients. And then the inevitable happened, there was a night when two patients died, and then another night when three died. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I held it together at work, but when I went home I could not sleep. I could only sob. Through prayer, and through counsel with my Reverend at home, I was able to develop ways to cope with the loss. I still felt it deeply, but I was no longer incapacitated by it. In the end, I LOVED my time at Calvary Hospital. I learned so much, as a nurse, and as a Christian. I was deeply touched by patients, their families, and by staff. I don't know if I made any lasting impact on their lives, but they certainly did on mine!! I miss my friends at Calvary, and would gladly work with them again. So, the move to Glens Falls Hospital went smoother.....right? After all, I was getting a job close to home, the only thing I had asked for. Wrong..............more complaining. I complained about working day shift. I have severe allergies, some foods I have a reaction to just being around them. I complained about the increased risk of reactions working days. I fretted over keeping up with the pace, as I had been working nights for quite some time. I fretted and complained about being in the float pool, and there were other complaints as well. In the end, I floated to the T3, the oncology floor, a couple of times and loved it, I also floated to the renal floor a couple of times. The rest of the time I was on T6, the cardiology floor, and 3E the Rehab floor. Both were busy floors, in much different ways, and I loved both. The staff on both floors were great to work with, and staff on both floors exemplified team work. On the rehab floor, the doctor, mid levels, nurse and therapists all worked closely together to maximize patient outcomes. The Scheduler and staff in the staffing office were pleasant and easy to work with. Nursing leadership was supportive and available. I loved my time at Glens Falls Hospital. Again, there are staff and patients there who made a lasting impact on my life. Again, I miss my friends at Glens Falls Hospital, and would gladly work with them again.
Then there was my move to WI..........yep, I complained. Working for Mayo was going to be a great opportunity, so what's to complain about? Well, mostly that I didn't want to be so far from family after the emotional upheaval of moms death. Honestly, if I could have, I would have convinced family members who have moved away from home to move back. I felt the need to be surrounded by family, to try to keep everyone I love safe, and healthy and well. As if that is even within my power. I know now, and knew then, that the very best thing I could do for them is/was to pray and to have faith that God would be with each and every one of them. I cannot explain my irrational need to have them all close, but feelings cannot always be explained. Know what? I have met some great people here! Staff I really like, patients who have touched me deeply, and people outside of the hospital too.
Notice The Theme?
I pray for guidance and direction. God answers my prayer. I go, but complaining all the way. Once there (wherever He has lead me), it turns out to be a great experience that changes my life or my perspective for the better. I end up loving the people I am working with, and the place I am working. Each time I have experiences that make me feel closer to Him. Repeat............
What Will I Pray For Now?
I will still pray for guidance as to where I should go next. I anticipate that someday He will lead me home to a place where I will settle, but that will be in his time. I will pray for Him to watch over my family and friends, and keep them safe, healthy and happy. I will pray to be of service. I will pray for jobs that will help me to resolve financial affairs. And now I will pray to have the strength to face fears and anxiety about new jobs and locations without all of the complaining.
The spirit of Christ is the spirit of missions. The nearer we get to Him, the more intensely missionary we become. --Henry Martyn, missionary to India and Persia.
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose. --Jim Elliot, missionary martyr who lost his life trying to reach the Auca Indians of Ecuador.
I do not know how it is with those of you who have lived your whole lives following Christ, since you were youngsters at your parents knees. For me, finally ready to follow Christ in my adulthood, I made the conscious choice with great joy and much jubilation. I was so eager to find ways to serve, was so eager to share the good news, and yet so unprepared!!!
I knew little of scripture, knew little of anything actually. I had so much to learn, and I still do. In fact, it has become clear to me that I can spend the rest of my life learning and growing in Christ and I will still have so much more to learn!!
The word mission, in my youth and young adulthood, would have only evoked thoughts of secret agents, mystery, intrigue, excitement and danger. I would have envisioned being the female version of 007 James Bond, or maybe of Simon Templar, The Saint. In reality, I would have been much more likely to be like the goofy, accident prone, Maxwell Smart who was only able to accomplish the goals of his mission through luckily stumbling into positive outcomes.
As I began to open my heart and mind to Jesus, I began to think about completely different types of mission. I wanted to go out into the world and serve, to share Gods word, to find a way to help others. Aren't we suppose to help others, aren't we suppose to share the love of God, certainly I had to do something. I sought out different ways to do this. I found many things that I just wasn't suited to. Serving on committees just isn't me. I get frustrated when it takes too long to get things done, I don't like endlessly discussion to decide the simplest of matters. I know this isn't always the way it is, but sometimes it is, and that is too much for me. I always want to say "Let's make a decision and get it done!" and if others won't, then I will. I tend to take on too much because I just want to "get it done"!
Along the way, I found I am much happier and better suited to being in a more active role. I enjoy, and am good at, serving at meals. I was happy volunteering for Habitat for Humanity with a church group. I am happy lifting, and carrying and setting up for meetings, events, dinners. I am also happy when I can discuss God with others, when I can hear about their journey or tell them about mine, when we can read and study scripture together, and form relationships. I am always looking for new opportunities, to find ways that the gifts He gave me can be used. I am always asking Him to guide me to whatever it is He wishes for me to do.
Next week, I am going on a mission trip with a group from home. I believe I am being called to this, only time will tell. I have prayed about it often, and I am very excited about the trip. When I return, I will share more details.
The thing is.....we are all called to mission, we are all disciples, we are all meant to go out into the world and share the word of God and the love of God. We are meant to do that, and so much more. It may be a mission trip, it may be working at a soup kitchen, it may be teaching Sunday School. The possibilities are endless. They can be in our church, in our neighborhood, in our town....well, you can see where this is going. It can be as close as our next door neighbor or as far as the most distant village on our planet. Talk to God about it, pray for guidance, pray for discernment, and then go out into the world!!! How can we, in good conscience, fail to share the good news, through word and deed. If we truly believe in His unconditional love, if we truly believe in His total forgiveness, if we truly believe in eternal life, then how can we not want to share that news?
Heavenly Father, please guide us and show us how we can carry Your word out into the world. Help us to know how best we can serve You, how we can use our God given gifts to bring all glory to God. In the name of Jesus Christ we pray. Amen.
Today has been a day of rest for me! I have been exhausted, and it finally caught up with me. Since I am fully committed to the 7 posts in 7 days, but was at a loss to find energy today, my daughter suggested that my post could be a quote. As I looked at a great many possibilities to quote people of great faith, and of great knowledge, I seemed incapable of even choosing who to quote.
I am guessing I am not the only one who has ever had a day of indecision. Nor am I the only one who has ever had a day where creativity seemed blocked. In the end, I have chosen to share a poem. It is a little rhymey, but you never know what is going to speak to your heart on a given day. Some days it is great music, great literature, great quotes......and sometimes it is just a rhymey little poem. I hope that it speaks to a few of you as well. In the meantime, wishing you all many blessings from God.
Have you ever realized that you have figured out God's plan for you? Maybe not the blueprint for you entire life, but the path for the immediate future with regards to a specific area. For instance your career path, or a plan for mission work, or your personal life and relationship?
I have, many times. I am not talking about the dreams I had regarding my blog, the experiences that I had that were totally unlike anything else I had ever experienced. I'm talking about the times when I felt so strongly about someone or something, when I wanted something so badly that I couldn't see how anything could get in the way of me and my desired goal.
These times, hopefully all in my past, these are the times when I have decided that I must have figured out Gods plan. It is easy to rationalize, easy to visualize the plan and the outcomes. Easy to say that "I wouldn't want this job so bad, feel so strongly and desperately that I MUST have this job, unless God intended for me to have it. God must be calling me to this, otherwise why would He let me want it sooooo much?"
Yes, sadly, this has also been a thought process I have followed with regards to relationships. I have had times when I "figured out" the reason why God put friends into my life. They were going through a particularly painful time that was similar to one of my life experiences, or they needed a friend who could support and encourage them. In some cases, I have made lifelong friends. In others I responded to the fact that the new "friend" desperately needed someone to listen, help or support them and only realized much later that the relationship was not really a friendship at all. Or at least by my definition, as the relationships were so one sided, but it would take me a very long time of being emotionally drained before I would realize this.
In another instance I feel head over heals in love, the first and really only time in my life. He was the perfect man......no, I didn't really believe he was perfect at all. What I did believe is that he was the perfect man for me. We went through a series of roadblocks and speed bumps, and each time I felt so incapable of letting go. I felt so emotionally connected, so madly, desperately, completely in love. With each problem along the way the depth of my feelings for him were unchanged, I was convinced that this was a sign that God intended for us to be together. There were other things I took as signs of this. A call that came through on my cell phone when I was in a location where I had no cell signal, a time when I prayed "if I am suppose to hang on, and we are suppose to be together, please do ......(don't remember specifically what)....to give me a sign that it is meant to be. In the end, I had to face some very hard truths. Things did not work out between us, he made choices that lead him in a different direction. I have accepted that, and yet there will always be some kind of connection between us.
These instances were all before my baptism, before I declared my intention to follow Jesus. The times when I "knew" what God's plan was were some of the hardest lessons on my faith journey. Clearly I was choosing to believe what I wanted to, or needed to, and then finding ways to "prove" it was what God wanted. As a species, we are so skilled at building a case for believing we are justified in having our own way.
Also worth mentioning, even if God did intend for someone to be "our destiny", he also gives us the gift of free will. It is important for us to remember others can choose to accept that destiny, or choose to follow a different path.
After many mistakes, I now know this.......I will follow where God leads me. I will be prayerful, and will try not to fall into the trap of guessing what His plan is. I will accept that free will allows people to follow, or not follow, Gods plan for them, and if their choice leads them away from me.......well, I will have faith that God has something different planned for me.
Trust in Gods plan for your life, don't try to second guess it. Live in the moment and listen for His message!!
Heavenly Father, please help us to listen for Your message. Help us to live in the moment, without dwelling on the past or guessing at the future. Thank You for Your wisdom, for Your grace, and for Your unconditional love. Thank You for the opportunities You give us to share Your love with others. Thank You for knowing our needs, and the concerns of our hearts, even when we do not have the words to adequately express them. Amen
As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies - in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.
I was called to Calvary, as surely as I was called to write my blog, for a multitude of reasons that I have still not fully understood. During my time here, my understanding has been slowly evolving. Little by little, I become aware of a new lesson learned, a new level of perception, and yet I am forced to acknowledge that I will never fully understand God's plan. This is hard for me, as I am a person who likes to analyze, and over analyze,everything. I like to know the why behind things, and I like to know the plan from beginning to end.
My job at Calvary Hospital came at the end of the months of unemployment spent home in Vermont, it is seeming to me like so many of my blogs, so many of my experiences on my faith journey, relate back to that period of time in some way. Which says to me that I am still learning how important that time was, it was a time to focus on faith, growing in my relationship with Christ, learning, and evolving, as well as being an important time with my family. I think I could easily write a dozen posts about what I learned during that time, but that is not my focus for this post.....so, back to the point!!
Calvary Hospital is different from any hospital I have ever experienced. The focus of Calvary Hospital is palliative care for end of life cancer patients. The hospital has an excellent reputation, and does a very good job within their specialty. I have never done palliative care or hospice care before, and was surprised that this job was offered to me with none of the usual interview process. There were a whole series of events surrounding this job offer that made me feel very sure that God was calling me to come here, although I could not fathom the reasons.
Initially, I struggled with the different mindset, and skill set, that was required for the day to day needs of palliative care nursing. Soon I was struggling with much more!! I have dealt with death and dying throughout my nursing career, every nurse had, but I was not prepared for the emotional implications of knowing that all of my patients were approaching their final days. Nor was I prepared for the impact of caring for end of life cancer patients when someone very close to me was actively battling cancer. It was evident, early on, that Calvary did an excellent job of managing the needs of their patients, and that their patients comfort was the priority. And yet....I took every death personally, I was use to doing everything possible to save patients, to extend life.
While they were infrequent, there were nights when we would have two patients on our floor pass, and on one occasion there were three in one night. I would find myself coming home from work and sobbing, or on occasion I would find tears streaking down my cheeks when I left the floor for my break. I frequently sent tearful and emotional messages to my Pastor back home in Vermont. I would say that God bestowed many gifts on that man, and that he probably had to draw on many of them during this time frame to help me through this emotionally charged period of my life!!
My Pastor came up with an excellent suggestion to help me deal with the emotional and spiritual drain I experienced with so much loss. He suggested that I have a private ceremony to say my goodbyes, to release the pain I was experiencing, to let go. He expressed it so much more clearly, he was more eloquent in his words, but this expresses the essence of what I took away from the conversation. He also suggested possibly incorporating elements of fire, air, water.
Since I was lucky enough to have an apartment on the water, I decided that the beach would be the perfect place for my ceremony. Every Sunday I would walk on the beach, say a prayer for patients who had passed on, and then I would throw a flower out onto the water for each patient who had passed that week, speaking each of their names as I threw a flower. The calm, the sense of peace, the relief that this simple ceremony brought was amazing!!!
After a period of a couple of months I had gradually become aware of my changing perception that these patients were going home, were being embraced and welcomed by God, and were beyond any suffering. I started to see their passing as their ultimate reward, I began to wonder why it had taken me so long to understand this. While I still would shed a few tears at their passing, there were times when I would have been very pressed to determine if they were tears of sorrow, joy or relief. I decided I no longer needed to have my ceremonies. I had finally come to a point of being able to care for patients as they passed without feeling such a personal drain.
What a mistake that was!! After a couple of weeks I noticed I was feeling down, was unhappy, something just wasn't right. I couldn't figure it out. I examined my feelings closely, and I was sure that it wasn't the passing of my patients that was making me feel this way. It took me a while to realize that, towards the end of my weekly ceremonies, my prayers had slowly started evolving. My prayers had become less about my patients and more about praying for God to provide their families with comfort, strength and peace as they dealt with the death of their loved ones. You see, in this setting, the families also become our patients. I immediately resumed my ceremonies, this time with the families as my focus, and the relief was instant!!
I suspect God brought me here for many reasons, the list of lessons and growth is long, but I suspect that very lesson is one of the most important ones. That grief is more about those of us left behind, missing our loved ones, wondering about the unknown, addressing our own faith and mortality, than it is about the ones who have passed. I also suspect I should have known this all along, I experienced a lot of loss at a relatively young age, but some of us learn more slowly. Maybe, just maybe, He knew I wouldn't start learning and understanding until I experienced a larger volume of loss in a short period of time.
Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
Ephesians 1:13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit.
On September 20th and 21st of last year I was lucky enough to go to Towson, MD for an Unbound Ministy Conference, courtesy of my lovely daughter Sarah. Ever since, I have been meaning to write about it. Now, after several months filled with varied experiences along my journey, I am finally ready.
On the first day of the Unbound Conference, or first evening more accurately, I must admit to having mixed feelings. It had been a while since I had read Unbound: A Practical Guide to Deliverance. I was tired, as I had just driven from a small town in central VT to Towson, MD. I was also mostly excited about spending the weekend with my daughter, and getting a chance to meet a couple more of her friends. This opportunity came towards the end of my 12 week period of unemployment and, while I was glad to know I would be starting a new work contract on September 30th, my mind was on the move I would be making to NYC on my return to VT.
Author Neal Lozano, who is also a pastor and teacher on deliverance, began speaking about deliverance ministries, Unbound, the experiences he and his wife Janet had shared along their journey, his team, and what we could expect of the Conference. He also spoke about the five keys to the Unbound process. And referenced the quote we have all probably heard, that life is 10% what happens and 90% how we deal with it......but this time it was referenced in regards to how we deal with things being potential roadblocks to our faith, and our personal relationships with God.
It is important for me to recount what was going on in my life at the time, as I am certain it had everything to do with my initial response to the Unbound experience. I am ashamed to say that, as I sat there listening on Friday evening, I am fairly certain that I mentally rolled my eyes at least once. In fact, I can remember thinking something along the lines of "this sounds like so much of the psycho babble that was spouted so often in the 70's". I consoled myself with the fact that my daughter and her friend Becky were there with me, and that it would be a bonding experience for us.
Saturday morning, after a good nights rest, some breakfast and a good cup of coffee, I felt much more open to the experience. We began to learn about the five keys more in depth. We heard about specific cases, and we heard testimonials from previous program participants. As we went from one session to the next it all started to make sense, I started to become excited about learning more, I could see that deliverance ministries had brought, and could bring, people to a much closer relationship with Jesus. This had brought emotional and spiritual healing to so many, and I could see the potential for thousands to be similarly effected. By the time we went to lunch I was excited and energized...........
I also started to become anxious. You see, there had been sign up sheets for conference participants to sign up for individual sessions with ministry teams. I had signed up for one. We had been told that there would not be time for everyone to have an individual session, and that those who traveled the farthest would be given priority. Arrangements were made for local people to have the opportunity at a later date. There were sheets to write down the things you would like to address with the team, but I could think of nothing. We had discussed forgiveness, and the possibility that for our freedom we may have people we need to forgive. We had discussed a whole host of blocks to our own faith, our own relationships with Christ, and I did not see myself in any of the scenarios.....did not think I had issues with any of the things discussed. And then something happened. We were practicing one of the methods for renouncing specific sins. Initially, I was just repeating the phrases and feeling nothing.....these issues were not problems for me. Then something struck a cord, it was discussion of believing you are not good enough, discussion of being undeserving of love, discussion of not being able to forgive myself......basically not forgiving myself for being incapable of protecting everyone I love from ever experiencing anything bad, and also for making some bad choices in my life.
As the time for my session drew near, I became more and more anxious. What if the things I brought to the team weren't important enough? What if I wasted their time when someone else who could really benefit from the session did not get the opportunity? What if we addressed what I brought forward and then I didn't "feel" anything different, or didn't experience the freedom that other participants did?
As I sat in the waiting room, chatting with other participants, I started to feel more relaxed. Then a young man came to escort me to my session, he was one of the team members who would be involved in my personal ministry session. As I left the waiting room, I started to feel that it was difficult to breathe. With every step closer to the room my session was to be held in, it became more difficult to breathe. I entered the room to find that Neal Lozano himself was to be the leader of my ministry team. At first all I could manage to say to him was that I felt like I couldn't breathe!!!!
The team was very patient, and soon I was able to start bringing my thoughts forward. With love, respect, caring and skill Neal coaxed thing out of me that I had not even realized were buried in my heart and mind. As soon as they were exposed to the light of day, I did recognize them as deeply held thoughts and feelings that had been with me for years. The entire team was so loving and supportive, it was such a safe environment. I answered questions, brought forward some of my concerns, and sobbed uncontrollably through the first part of the session. I don't know if this is everyone's experience, I am admittedly a crier!!
As we progressed through the process, I gradually realized I wasn't crying anymore. I began to feel lighter, less weighed down. I asked Neal to stop at one point because I felt positively giddy, I felt like laughing and felt light headed. When I was ready to continue I noticed that I continued to feel lighter, happier, I felt free. There was an overwhelming feeling of joy, contentment, a sense of well being that I cannot adequately describe. When Neal asked how I felt my initial, and immediate, reaction was to say "I can breathe".
Once back with Sarah and Becky, I was telling them about the session. We went for dinner shortly thereafter, and enjoyed some time relaxing together before returning for the end of the program. We talked about the fact that people would be invited to give testimonials about their experience, and I adamantly stated that I would never do that!! And yet, once it was time for testimonials, who do you think ended up in front of the crowd giving a testimonial???? Yep, me!!! Afterwards I wished I had planned on it all along, because there are things I wish I had said but didn't.
I have deliberately steered away from specifying what the five keys are, from using much of the language of Unbound Ministries, from sharing specific testimonials or even experiences or credentials of the team. There is a reason for this. The reason is that I am hoping that someone will read this and be encouraged to read the book, Unbound: A Practical Guide to Deliverance by Neal Lozano. I am hoping that someone who reads this will seek out the opportunity to attend an Unbound: Freedom in Christ Conference. I would also encourage you to check out the website, at: http://www.heartofthefather.com/
James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
"As a pastor and teacher on deliverance, Neal Lozano knows that many
believers struggle with the same sin areas time after time. Yet victory
can be as simple as tapping into the potent power of the gospel. By
focusing on Jesus and his work, rather than on the intimidating aspects
of evil spirits, readers can reset their mindset about their spiritual
struggles. In Unbound, Lozano shows readers how to do just this. He also
shows them how to find and close any doors they may have opened to evil
influence and, consequently, Satan's underhanded strategies. Balanced
and full of hope, Unbound is a practical, thorough, and easy-to-follow
guide to deliverance and freedom. It also includes practical instruction
on praying for others to be set free."
Proverbs 16:9
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
We've all heard people say "I found Jesus". I have always wondered what that means, what are we implying by that statement? Did Jesus wander away, was he distracted? Or maybe he briefly gave up on us and turned his back on us, leaving us needing to search for him once we were ready to invite him into our lives?
It could be argued that at the very core of this phrase is our need to feel self directed. It is true that God gave us free will, we can chose to follow Christ or we can chose to turn away. Sometimes, in our knowledge of our right to free will, we feel so full of self importance that we seem to feel that the existence of God is dependent on our belief. How very arrogant of us!!
God is with us every moment of our lives, the teachings of Christ are constant and consistent regardless of our willingness, or our refusal to, learn or follow. His love for us is true and unconditional, even when we chose to ignore it. Why would we chose to ignore such a great and unconditional love? Despite the fact that Jesus died to save us from sin, despite the fact that all we need do is ask and we are forgiven, declaring our intention to follow in Christ's path comes with an expectation that we will try to improve, try to move away from our sinful path and towards God, it takes effort, it takes sacrifice, it takes self denial at times.....and we are a people and a culture that tends to embrace self gratification in many forms!!
When I attended my Walk to Emmaus, I heard a rather good analogy. A husband and wife, married many years, were traveling down the road in their truck. The wife said "Why don't you sit with your arm around me when you are driving, like you use to?" The husbands response was "I haven't moved." I didn't get it at first. As usual, I was over-thinking things. I wondered, Is the husband implying the changes in the relationship are all the wife's fault? I went quite a ways down the path of thoughts about emotional distance in relationships being based on many factors, and not being the fault of just one person, before I got one simple fact. The husbands position in the truck could not have moved, he is driving......the steering wheel is in the same place, the brake and gas pedals are in the same place, he could not have moved!! Therefore the wife had clearly moved away from him.
God never leaves our side. He is there waiting to give us total forgiveness, to let us experience his unconditional love. It is we who move away.......We are as close to God as we chose to be!!
Revelation 3:20
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.
Tonight, I say to you, I have not found Jesus!! Rather, I have finally opened my eyes and seen He was there all along.....waiting for me!! "I once was blind, but now I see......." Thank you Heavenly Father for the amazing grace and mercy you have shown me all of my life!! Thank You for waiting until I was ready to open my eyes and see it!! Thank You for the blessings you bestow on me every day!! Amen!!
Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin"
As Christians, we declare our willingness, or more accurately our desire, to follow Jesus. We know he was sent here to sacrifice his own life for our salvation. He was also sent as a Rabbi, Messiah, Prophet, Teacher.....for without his teaching we would not understand the enormity of that ultimate act of self sacrifice. Nor would we recognize or understand the unconditional love that was at the root of this very act.
Some of us are baptized in our youth, we learn about Jesus and his teachings all throughout our lives, our faith is a part of our past, present and future. For others, like me, we come to our faith later in life, we are baptized as adults. As an adult coming to faith in Christ, I experienced excitement, eagerness and a hunger to learn. I knew I was a sinner and I was eager to renounce sin, eager to follow wherever God lead me, eager to share The Word, and prayed often for direction.
While I didn't believe that there would be an instant and complete transformation in my life, I did believe it would be relatively easy to renounce sin, to seek God in all things, to discern what it is he wanted from/for me, to find my path. In many ways it has been easier.....but easier does not actually equate to easy!
There are times when I feel so filled with The Holy Spirit that I feel energized, motivated, excited, hopeful and eager to share that feeling with everyone I can. There are also times when I fall back into old patterns of self doubt, loneliness, indecision, and even fear. These are sins as surely as the more obvious sins of greed, anger, hate, lust, and lies. Indecision and fear, particularly fear of making a wrong choice and therefore not making a choice at all, keep us from using the gifts God gave us to do the work God calls us to. Feelings of loneliness keep us inwardly focused, focused on our personal needs rather than our calling, keeps us from seeing the needs of others in the world and from acting to provide comfort, care, safety and love to our fellow brothers and sisters. And self doubt...........
Self doubt is the sin I am battling recently, and have off and on throughout my life. How can self doubt be a sin? I don't doubt God at all, or that he is guiding my life every single day. It is my ability to "live up to" the path and work he is calling me to that I doubt. So again, I ask, how is that a sin? Well, here is what I finally realized. If God is calling me to a particular path, and He knows my every strength and flaw, then He knows more than I what I can and cannot do. By doubting myself, am I in effect doubting His judgement in calling me to a task? I would say to you that I am still not doubting His judgement, but doubting that I am accurately discerning His message to me. I have, in the past, convinced myself that if I want something as badly as I do then it must mean that it is what God wishes. There are times when that certainly could be the case, except there is a flaw to that rationale.
You see, I wrote a blog post last November about my calling to write this very blog. The manner in which I received Gods message was so unique, so completely outside of the realm of anything I had ever experienced in my entire life, that there was not....and is not.....any doubt in my mind that it was a message from God!! I was so excited to have received a message from God, to know at least a part of the path He wanted me to take. I couldn't wait to write about it. I wrote more consistently for a while after that, but I have always been a results or goal driven person, and I did not see any evidence of my writing accomplishing everything. Soon I was feeling self doubt, maybe I didn't write well enough, maybe I was choosing the wrong topics, maybe I should wait to write another post until I had the time and motivation to write an enthralling and perfectly composed post...................and so I stopped writing completely while I waited for that motivation.
My daughter, who writes her own blog: http://greatjesusexperiment.blogspot.com/, encouraged me and tried to help me with motivation, And I would feel encouraged and motivated right up until I booted up my computer, has now challenged me. How smart of her!!! If there is anything that motivates me as well as specific goals it is being challenged!!!!
The challenge is to write 7 blog posts in 7 days. This is going to challenge me in so many ways. I have to write about something, so I will have to pick a subject and commit regardless of doubts that it might not be the "right topic". I cannot write a piece and then save it and revisit it, making edits, for a couple of days before publishing, regardless of doubts about "not writing well enough". The posts will be shorter than my normal posts, there may be spelling and punctuation errors, they will not be perfect.....but they will be representative of what is on my mind for the day, and they will be honest and truly from my heart.
I am reminded of that voice in my head saying "Do not be afraid. It matters not if anyone reads what you write. If you
spend the rest of your life writing about your faith, and only one
person reads it and invites Me into their life then that is one person
who receives My grace and Mercy. And do not be mistaken, you are not
writing for yourself, you are writing for ME." To read more about my message from God, and the experience surrounding it, refer to the blog post: Do not be afraid.......
written on Wednesday, November 13, 2013.
Philippians 2:13
For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.
Matthew 22:36-40 36. "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37. Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38. This is the first and greatest commandment. 39. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
At my Emmaus weekend, as we were discussing our individual gifts and our callings, both career and otherwise, my friend Teresa said she thought our childhood dreams and aspirations were an early indication of our gifts and our callings. Several of the women at our table concurred, each sharing how their childhood dreams were either directly linked to their careers, or how their chosen career might be different but incorporated many of the things they thought they would enjoy doing. I disagreed, as I really hadn't had any dreams and aspirations for a specific career. As a child, I dreamed of being a wife and a mother, and of having a big family. As to careers, I had vague ideas about working with children or animals, or a series of ever changing aspirations like being a brain surgeon, a writer, the president, or of just saving the world. Needless to say, I have not realized these fleeting dreams.
But were there clues in my childhood that I might have missed? Possibly. I have not written and published any great novels, but in some way I am satisfying my desire to write with my blog posts. I ended up divorced, and with only two children, but they are two amazing children. While they were growing up we always had lots of other children at the house, and I volunteered for scouts, school functions, etc. Still, the majority of my various aspirations were left unfulfilled. I feel no sense of loss, no disappointment over this, I would hate the stress of being president.....or of being a brain surgeon for that matter!!
The one thing that has remained pretty consistent throughout my life has been that, although I have been shy much of my life, I have always formed emotional bonds easily. At different times in my life, I have considered this both a blessing and a curse. I bond quickly, love deeply, and consequentially am hurt more often than I would be if I were more reserved. Now I am not talking exclusively romantic love here. I love my family deeply, of course, but I also love my friends, still feel love for friends who have hurt me in the past, and have been known to feel love in my heart for complete strangers. It would be understandable if people thought this meant I was disingenuous, however one does not need to know me for very long to realize I am being totally sincere.
As you child, and young woman, I firmly believed that anyone who was acting out, labeled a bad person, or was in any way socially marginalized, was that way because they hadn't experienced enough unconditional love in their lives. I was convinced that if they had unconditional love and support they would turn their lives around, and I was equally convinced that if I knew them it was my responsibility to give them that unconditional love. As you can imagine, my parents not only found this belief to be immature and unrealistic, but also found it to be cause for worry. As they saw it, my lack of common sense, and my willingness.... even determination to see an idealized version of everyone I came across, put me in harms way. This desire to befriend the friendless, bond with the "trouble makers", to love everyone, and yes to save everyone came to be called my "Dear Abby Complex" by my parents.
At the time, I saw it as my responsibility as a caring and compassionate human being. I also saw my parents inability to see this the way I did as a failing on their part, and felt that they just did not have a big enough capacity for love. Ahhhh, it seems there were no limits to my teenage hubris at times!!! As I have matured, I see the sad humor in the fact that I felt everyone deserved complete understanding and unconditional love, except for my parents who I seemed to think deserved my thick headed and harsh judgement. How I wish I could have seen that way back then!! In retrospect, some of the people I chose to bond with were just other teens with a variety of issues they were working through, but in some cases I really did put myself at risk, all the while unable to see the distinction. I also wonder....Where did I get the idea that I could save anyone, through love or any other means??
We all know that God is the only one who can really SAVE any of us, as He did through Jesus Christ. I think I have a much more realistic view of the world, in some ways, now. But I still can't help but feel that unconditional love is the key to unlock many of the worlds problems. It is His unconditional love that is the key. God's unconditional love is the ultimate gift, and we must each make a conscious choice to accept or decline that gift. So we each have an ability to determine if we wish to be saved, but He is the only one with that power.
Yet, I still feel like I have a responsibility to give unconditional love. I think we all, as Christians, are being called to do so. I think, as in every gift, we all may have a different capacity for this. We also all show it in different ways. Some are open and demonstrative as I am, some offer unconditional love in a more reserved or subdued way, but we all have some capacity to share Gods love. We all share this responsibility, this gift, this blessing. We may not be able to save the world with our love, but we can be an instrument for God to shine his unconditional love on others so that He can save us one heart, one soul, at a time.
So maybe I did have an indication of my calling as a child, maybe not my only calling but one of the most important. Maybe my heart, my capacity to bond and to love, was never a mixed blessing and curse. Maybe it was always a blessing, a gift from God, and I just had to learn how to use it. Learn to be able to love unconditionally, but in a way that will not put my safety, or the safety of others at risk. Yes, there will be heartache at times, but even if I could become a more guarded person and care just a little less deeply, I'm not sure that I would want to.
Lord let us all go out into the world and be an instrument for You to shine Your perfect love on those we meet. Help us not to get caught in the trap of trying to judge who is, or isn't, worthy of unconditional love. We are all Your children, and if we are worthy of Your unconditional love then certainly we are worthy of unconditional love from each other. When our offerings of love are met with rebuke, rejection, or heartache remind us that we are the beneficiaries of Your love, and bolster us with courage to continue in this mission. Thank you Heavenly Father for forgiving us our sins, and for loving us so completely. Thank you for the blessings of our own individual gifts, the beauty you surround us with, and for each other. Our work is made so much easier by Your unfailing presence in our lives, and by being able to share our work with others within our Christian community. Amen
In a previous blog post, I shared the story of being called to step out of my comfort zone and write a blog about my faith journey.
This calling is taking me ever farther outside my comfort zone. This week, without any intention too, I created a facebook page on which to share my blog with a larger audience. Each time I write a new blog post I will share it here on google, and also on the facebook page. I will also share the occasional short message or meme. It is my hope that others will be more interactive on that page, and that some people will also share their story about their own faith journey. There will also be some detractors, in fact there already have been on the very day I opened the page, but He never said that it would be easy and isn't part of our calling as Christians to hold steadfast in our faith even in the face of doubters, detractors and adversity??
Until this moment, it had not occurred to me that in addition to sharing posts her on the facebook page, I could also share the facebook page here. For now I will share the link to the facebook page and welcome all to check it out, in the future I may share some of the posts from the page here. We will see where He guides me.
Philippians 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus.
Recently I went through some personal experiences that left me profoundly struck by the phrase: There but for the grace of God go I.
As I was preparing for my baptism, and for six weeks to follow, I was also going through a difficult time. A time that was challenging, but a time that taught me many lessons. I now realize, even though I was ready to give my life to God, to follow the teachings and examples of Jesus, I really still did not have a full understanding of how deeply I should trust in God. I still felt I should only "pray over the really important things, or to give thanks". I also still thought I could negotiate and bargain with God. I am still learning to turn to Him with everything, and will continue to learn for the remainder of my days on this earth.
When I started working as a travel nurse, in July of 2012, my biggest concern was that I would be able to work consistently. I could not afford to be out of work at all. Much of my adult life has involved financial struggles, and when you work for a travel agency you have no benefit time. I was assured this would not be a problem, and until July of 2013 it was not.
When I completed my assignment, on July 12, 2013, I did not have a new assignment to go to. As the weeks went on, with no job on the horizon, I was distraught! I asked my agency to review my application, resume, and references to make sure they didn't need a rewrite. I was assured that not only was everything in good order, but in several cases I was an ideal candidate for jobs I was submitted for.
I prayed to God continuously to find me a job. I would tell Him to send me wherever He wanted me to go, give me a sign, I would do anything He wanted me to. Of course, that wasn't really true at the time. It took me a while to realize I was always using qualifiers. I would pray "I will go wherever You want me to go, but please don't send me to.......(insert half a dozen places of your choice)" or "I will do whatever You want me to do, but PLEASE don't ask me to...............".
I often forgot to ask Him to provide for my needs, and was not thankful enough for much of what He did provide. My children, my parents, my sister and her family, my son's girlfriend, friends, and members of my church community all helped me in a variety of ways during this time. Most of the time, instead of graciously thanking them for their help, I would try to refuse it. I was not use to accepting help. When I did remember to pray for help, I did not realize this was how He was sending it. He was reminding me that I had a much larger support network than I realized, that I had people who loved me and were happy to help me if they were able. And I had two grown children who were loving, supportive and concerned. My children did everything they could to help me with bills, with money to buy my medication, even the ability to have food on the table came largely through them. My children bore most of the "burden" of helping me, and I would repeatedly say "I am the one who is suppose to be helping you, I am the mother".
One day my daughter informed me that she and her brother were happy to help me. She also quite firmly told me that instead of letting them be happy they could help me, I was turning it into a stressful and unpleasant experience. She said "mom, just say thank you". Shortly thereafter, I got the same message loud and clear from my son. Lesson learned!! It was hard, but I started reminding myself to stop arguing and just say thank you. Doing this did a few things. It actually made me feel less stressed. It allowed my children to feel good about helping me, as they should!!! It also made me begin to realize that this was a blessing from God!!
There were also other blessings! I was able to be baptized at the lake, by my hometown Pastor. This meant the world to me, and was definitely God's work. An ill family member was in the hospital three times within a month, and I was able to be there. I had some real quality time with my family. I was able to attend a wedding reception that I thought I would have to miss. I had a car accident, I know that doesn't sound like a blessing, but nobody was hurt. And I was able to attend the Unbound, Freedom In Christ conference with my daughter, this conference was one of many life changing events I have experienced since July.
After a job offer that fell through, I was offered a job at Calvary Hospital in Bronx NY. There were many indications that I was being lead to this job, and by now I had been out of work eleven weeks. The time off really had turned out to be a blessing, but I was eager to get back to work, to feel useful, and to pay my own way in life again.
On Friday, September 27th, I set out for NYC. Excited to see my new apartment, to start my new job, to explore the city. God still had more lessons in store for me. I expected a direct deposit of a check on that Friday morning. I left home in VT before it would have cleared. Once I arrived at my new apartment, I checked my account balance to see it had not deposited. I had left VT with $22.00 in my pocket, and had paid $12.00 in tolls, I now had $10.00 to live on for two weeks!! I also found out that the hospital required a specific color of scrubs, a color that I didn't own!! I had brought some food with me, and food for my kittens, but how could I buy gas and uniforms to manage for two weeks? And what if my food didn't hold out??
I can tell you that I did remember to pray right away, and often!! I told a couple of friends that I knew God would find a way. And He did!!! By counting change, and being extremely frugal, I managed to buy a uniform that would have to be washed often. My mother sent a money order for me to buy a couple more so I would not have to do wash every day. And then there was Carlos!
Carlos was a God send!!! He is a young man who lives in an apartment near me, whom I was to seek out to pick up my key. It turns out that his parents own the apartments. In addition to welcoming me to City Island, Carlos helped me load my boxes and totes into the apartment. He and his parents were friendly and welcoming. Shortly after my arrival to City Island, in conversation with Carlos, I revealed exploration of NYC would have to wait for a while and confided that there was no money to spare. Carlos became concerned about me having enough food, and specifically about proteins as he did not think the non perishable items I brought were sufficient. I assured him that he need not be concerned, that I would manage quite nicely. The next night Carlos was cooking chicken breasts on the grill and came knocking at my door to give me two. I tried to refuse, but he was insistent and it smelled so good I gave in quickly!! I thanked him profusely, the chicken would go for several meals, and that chicken tasted even better than it smelled!! Later I answered a knock on the door to find Carlos there, he brought me three frozen flounder fillets and one salmon fillet. I told him he was more than generous enough with the chicken, and that I was fine, but I could clearly see he was not going to take no for an answer. Again I thanked him profusely!! About a half hour later Carlos was back, this time bringing eggs which I did refuse as I am severely allergic. As I again thanked Carlos for his generosity, I told him that my family had sent out some money to help me get through the next two weeks until my first paycheck. During the next couple of days, while I was awaiting the money from home, Carlos showed up with groceries, he had bought me some deli chicken, soup, and rice. He also "accidentally" cooked more cheeseburgers than he wanted one day and gave me one, and on another occasion bought extra food at McDonalds and I ended up the beneficiary. I am not usually a fan of McDonald's fries, but my diet had been so limited I have to admit those french fries tasted like they were the best food ever, I didn't even unwrap the burger until every last french fry was gone!
I will never forget what Carlos did for me. He did not know me, had no obligation to help me. He is not a wealthy man, he does not go to church, and yet he was definitely a blessing from God. I have given Carlos a small gift, have repaid him for the grocery bag he brought, have thanked him verbally and in writing, and will one day cook for him, but I will never be able to fully repay him. He does not fully realize how much his kindness meant in a time when I could not meet my own needs and had anxiety over having enough food. I certainly hope he never does, as the only way to fully understand is to experience it!!
There are many people in this world who have fear and anxiety about when, and what, their next meal will be, who experience this to a much greater degree than I did and for a much longer time frame. There are a lot of people who have no family to help them pay bills, who aren't able to keep their home or apartment and who end up homeless. And yes, there are also homeless people who are mentally ill and end up on the streets. Maybe they have never had medications and treatments, maybe they did but stopped taking them, or maybe they experienced a time of hardship and had no family to help them get their medications. I know my blood sugars were certainly way off before my children found out I had run out of medication and they insisted on paying for my refills. I want to help these people, and I want to do it in a way that treats them with respect and dignity. We are all God's children, and we cannot know the series of events that brought any of us to where we are!!
So now when I see the homeless, the hungry, the socially marginalized people of our world I cannot help but think : There but for the Grace of God go I.............
